To regret: Should we forget or remember?
The definition of regret is to feel sad, repentant or disappointed over something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity. I was thinking about that a couple of days ago when I overheard a conversation at a coffee shop. A woman was saying to her friend, “I have no regrets, I have lived my life to the fullest and don’t think I’ve missed anything.” She went on to tell how she had left two marriages and two teenage kids in Europe. She had started a new life in America, married her boss to become a legal permanent resident and settled down for her retirement.
To me, it sounded as though her “No regrets” meant, “I don’t want to remember all the horrible mistakes I have made in my life.” Not remembering, not having regrets leaves no place for redemption. As a young man in my twenties I went on a motorcycle adventure with a classmate on a trip to Alsace Lorraine. We came to a small town tucked away in a big forest between rolling hills. There was a museum inside an old stone tower which had once been the town’s jail house. My friend and I went to check it out and one of the exhibits made a deep impression on me. There was a large wooden cross leaning against the wall. The wood was oily from a preservative coating and it smelled of old varnish. A sign on the wall told the story behind the big cross.
That story began a hundred years ago when a local farm hand had killed a young woman in a fit of jealousy. He was sentenced to 25 years in prison. Upon his release from prison, he had a heavy iron ball cuffed to one of his feet for the rest of his life. If that weren’t enough, he took it upon himself to carry around a large heavy wooden cross wherever he walked. He regretted the harm he had done and sought penance by voluntarily suffering as long as he lived.
For some reason, I always come back to this story. Was he supposed to “get over” the harm he had caused another person? Too often we hear the same attitude from progressive therapist or counsellors. This seemingly new age philosophy is about getting past the pain and getting on with your life. Some actions are not forgivable and regret is a healthy way of staying on track with what we either failed to do or missed or the harm we caused others.
Germany hopefully carries regret over the mass murder of innocent Jews, as should Serbia from slaughtering over eight thousand of young Bosnian men in Srebrenica, just to mention regret on a collective scale. Regret has a direct connection with remembrance and is crucial for the ability to change. Not a change into a “Getting over it” but to an honest willingness to live with what we have done or not paid attention to when we should have. There lies the true healing of the tormented psyche, the ability to carry our own trespasses and regrets as a conscious knowledge of who we also are. To remember and not to repeat.
That story began a hundred years ago when a local farm hand had killed a young woman in a fit of jealousy. He was sentenced to 25 years in prison. Upon his release from prison, he had a heavy iron ball cuffed to one of his feet for the rest of his life. If that weren’t enough, he took it upon himself to carry around a large heavy wooden cross wherever he walked. He regretted the harm he had done and sought penance by voluntarily suffering as long as he lived.
For some reason, I always come back to this story. Was he supposed to “get over” the harm he had caused another person? Too often we hear the same attitude from progressive therapist or counsellors. This seemingly new age philosophy is about getting past the pain and getting on with your life. Some actions are not forgivable and regret is a healthy way of staying on track with what we either failed to do or missed or the harm we caused others.
Germany hopefully carries regret over the mass murder of innocent Jews, as should Serbia from slaughtering over eight thousand of young Bosnian men in Srebrenica, just to mention regret on a collective scale. Regret has a direct connection with remembrance and is crucial for the ability to change. Not a change into a “Getting over it” but to an honest willingness to live with what we have done or not paid attention to when we should have. There lies the true healing of the tormented psyche, the ability to carry our own trespasses and regrets as a conscious knowledge of who we also are. To remember and not to repeat.
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